WEGO Health Activist Challenge day 18 (take it back)

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Today’s Prompt:
  •  write about a time that someone said something to you out of frustration from your illness that they wished they could take back. Did you forgive them? Why or why not?

Unfortuantay there have been many instances where a loved one lashed out at me since I got sick because well .. we are ALL human, AND my daughters we teenagers when I got sick and teens are not the best at thinking in advance before they speak, ya know what I mean?

Most people might think the worst thing that has been said to me would hav been when one of my girls said " I hope you DO die", but honestly I understood that statement and forgave as soon as it was said...Lord knows I have thought the same thing many times...sometimes my dying would be so much easier on everyone in my life....

but that was not the one that hurt the most, nor the one that I remember almost ever single day since it happened over almost 2 years ago...

Again, it was one of my children that lashed out (you have to understand for my older kids this is VERY difficult...they grew up with a mom that was healthy, and no matter what somehow managed to provide anything that they thought they wanted when they wanted it most of the time)

So the thing that hurt the most, and haunts me to this day.... 

"Mom, don't you see YOUR illness has RUINED my life and MY future"

As a mom  I can't tell you how much that hurt then and still today it brings tears to my eyes...I have prided myself on overcoming so much in my life (teen pregnancy, domestic violence, being a single mom...yu name it we survived it together... my girls and I) 

There is no way to "overcome" this...it isn't gonna go away, and I can't "fix" this with hard work and determination like I did all the other obsticals in the past that threatened my ability to give my girls the future they deserve

This time, I did have to make adjustments that cost them the future they dreamed of and the things I promised them...

Since I am disabled and unable to work, I can no longer pay for their college education and grad school, that is something they will have to do themselves which means starting out in life in debt due to student loans....my girls always knew that they had to make the grades to get into college but once they did I would take care of the financial side....that is no loner a possibility (my meds cost more than $700 a month, every month...there is no money for college tuition)

My husband and I had again told the girls "no working while in school" as in we wanted them to focus on their studies, we would provide everything else (car, insurance, dorm, food, spending money, books, supplies, spending money...it was on us) Again as with the college tuition , that is just not something we can do... my meds trump everything...without my meds there is no me.... between my med cost and the fact that my disability pay is considerably less than I actually made when I was working we took a HUGE financial hit because of my Adult Onset Still's Disease

We also decided to adopt our son from foster care when a relative's baby was born addicted to drugs and was placed in foster care and ultimately the state terminated rights and was placing him for adoption (it was not one of my daughters as some seem to think) I think anyone who knows me knew that I was going to adopt him, before we decided too...In fact, we never even discussed it...we just did it...decided right there on the spot in a room at Child Protective Services before we had ever even seen our soon to be son all while surrounded by social workers, lawyers, his foster parents...we didn't have a moment alone but we both wanted this and knew the other did too...we started the paperwork right then...

This too, unfortuantly meant financial stress on my daughters...not to mention the shock of mom having another baby while they were in college...at times the girls have said I shouldn't have ever adopted because of my stills....

Now, all of this being said, please do not think we are financially in trouble or anything like that (I mean I blog about monthly sub boxes, that I pay for myself...so obviously there is some extra money around here,,,it's not like we are near the pverty line or anything...we just can't provide the several hundred thousand dollars to our daughters for a care free college experience where they have no responsibilities, no job, and no need to worry about the cost of their education as was planned or even how my oldest was already living her life at her university when I became very ill

Obviously my illness impacted them in a huge way, for that I am sorry...it dd also effect our finances in an even bigger way...that is something I hate myself for , something I will never be OK with... I feel like I have let them ALL down because I can't provide the income I once did....

I obviously "forgave" my daughter immediately for saying my illness ruined her life and her future...but I will never forgive myself.... because it is true and I have to live with that every day of my life woth those words echoing in my ears


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