Wednesday's Wishes

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

I had planned on this always being light hearted and fun, wishing for a new pair of shoes or a garden full of tulips.....Then someone asked me where I see myself in 5 yrs, the truth is I don't know if I will be here in 5 years....

so today, my wishes are much more serious than that... I don't often feel sorry for myself because of my illness but I do feel sorry for my children because I will miss so much in their lives.....

so here are the wishes today...

My wish for the princess- I hope you always know that you were not only my oldest, but my first love. my life started the day you were born. Not once in my life have I regretted being a teen mom, if I had it to do all over again I would....you are the best thing that ever happened in my life and what put me on the path to becoming the woman I am today. Unfortuantly you were along for the ride as I grew up and had to see my mistakes first hand and for that I am sorry. I hope that you find the person that is your soul-mate I know that could be a man or a woman and I don't care I only care that you are happy and can spend the rest of your life feeling loved and cherished. My biggest wish is to be able to see you get married, and walk you down the aisle myself like we have talked about. I know you will be a great wife and someday you will be a great mother to a child in need. Seeing you go from never wanting children to wanting to adopt a foster child has made me feel like I did something right in spite of so many mistakes along the way..... I am so proud of the woman you have become.

My wish for my Kitty Kat- you my darling I tried to correct the mistakes I made early on from having an "all natural " birth to having stricter rules in high-school. I always joked you were my gift from God for not killing Tori along the way.... I mean that you  were my gift, you have been my comic relief  my support and over the last couple years as I have become a mom all over again you have become my good friend that I can go to for tips and advice on how the heck to do this toddler thing all over again.... Someday, you will be a great mommy to your own children and I know this for fact because you are such a great nanny you amaze me the way you are with little one's... I know you didn't get that from me.... As with your sister I wish more than anything I can see you walk down the aisle on your daddy's arm, want to be there as my grandchildren are born. It is up to you to pass on the love of cooking and NaNa's recipes to the next generations of this family.You are the one to be the matriarch of this family and all the traditions good and bad. I love every moment we spend cooking and baking together  I live for those days. I hate when I feel too bad to bake with you. I miss the time we used to have together and I hope more than anything we get many more years to tackle "cook fest" or as it is known to others "Thanksgiving" as the dynamic duo we have become. You are everything that is good in me, and non of the bad....

My wishes for My skater Girl,- I know you are not my "real" daughter but you know I love you just as if you were. There are many times it's hard to believe that you were not always part of our lives, it hard to beleive it's only been about 8 yrs since you entered our world, changing everything as you barged in.... Watching your relationships develop over the years with you "sisters" has been amazing and eye opening. you have truly become sisters in every sense of the word other than DNA. I am so proud of you, you are an awesome mom, wife and friend.... You are so determined to take on the world and I love that about you. I biggest wish for you is simply time.... time to play with the peanut and to watch him grow up and to see my future grand kids as well.... I love you as if you were my "own"

My wishes for My Tuff Stuff- I don't even know where to begin with you, my angel baby....my miracle child. you are the greatest gift I have ever received or ever will receive.  will forever replay in my mind the day I got the call that your biological father wanted me to be your mommy, the day daddy and I met you for the first time, our first home visit, the first over night visit, the day we brought you home and your adoption day....shortly put, you saved my life.... you have given me a reason to get up ever day, a reason to fight this terrible dragon, a reason to want to go on. I never dreamed I would be a 40 yr old with a baby still in diapers but I am loving every second of it, watching your daddy become a father for the first time, finally understanding the love I have for your sisters... I am so thankful to your biological parent's for their faith in me to be able to raise you to be the man they wanted you to be...to give me the chance to be a mommy again, to prove to the word disability has nothing to do with being a mommy...my love for you overpowers the worst pain, the weakness from the chemo, the fatigue that plagues me.... you are the best medicine I could have ever been given.... I wish more than anything in this world that I get to see you grow up, your first baseball game, football game, your first day of school, first dance, graduation....I wish to be able to see it all....but if I can't I hope and wish that you understand.... I hope you don't hate me for always being "sick" your entire life, that you don't wish someone else had adopted you.... I promise you this my son, no one on this planet will ever love you as much as I do

My wish for the Yankee  I hope that we have much more time together than the Dr's say, I cherish every day that we do have. I know that I am blessed beyond words to have a husband who will stand by me during this illness as it changes me both emotionally and physically. You are my rock, you give me the strength to keep fighting, when I want to give up you remind me of the things above...the reasons I must fight, must survive.... I hate seeing the look in your eyes when you realize I have reached a new "milestone" in my battle with the dragon, I know you would do anything to take this away and give me my "old life" back.... as I keep telling you everything happens for a reason my love, this disease has made me who I am today.... I am a fighter, a survivor and an advocate for so many others who need me to bring awareness for AOSD...as I keep telling you awareness equals research and research means a cure.... If I can help just one person then my having this battle is worth it....I hope that I am able to give you all the confidence you need to be a single parent when the time comes, I hate the thought of you raising our son on your own but I KNOW you will do a great job...promise me you won't shut out the possibility of finding him a new mom....he will need a mom as he grows.... I love you my froggy prince, everything I ever endured in my past was worth it because it brought me to you.... I hope wish and pray that we have many more years together before the dragon wins....

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